Change is a comin'...

I know change is inevitable.

You can't really LIVE life without changes taking place, 

if you did,it probably wouldn't be much of one.

I tell myself this everytime, because I hate change.

I just do.

With me; change = goodbyes

I suck at goodbyes...and when something changes,

it means something old is replaced to make room for something new.

Why change?

Especially when you THINK your life is in a good place all the way around.

 Why the sudden urgency to do something different?

But it never fails...I get this ants in my pants kinda feeling and I know...

Something needs to change.

And here we are...at it again.

Next week will be my last week of work.

The last time I didn't work, I was 14 and in middle school.

I don't know life without a 9 to 5 job.

But, I also didn't know how working after having my son would affect me.

Graciously, the Lord has blessed us in a way that I can stay home.

My husband is willing to work and do whatever it takes so that I can raise our children.

We hope to have more.

I hope this gives me more time to FOCUS on taking care of my health.

Spending time together as a family.

Home is where my heart is always, 

no matter where I'm at in my day.

Because my greatest treasures await there.

For me to make time, real quality time...

to love, teach, learn, vacuum, potty train, sew buttons, 

and kiss boo boo's, and facilitate time outs, appreciate, 

cook, pray, read, share meals, love some more and...

Just BE home.

So change and I have a truce, and understanding, if you will.

It's gonna be a part of my life.

Whether I like it or not.

And more often than not, the change is needed.

"Because she is a Mother" by Jeffrey R. Holland

This is one of my favorite talks of all time.  

I loved it when I first heard it at 18 years old,

 single,

no prospect of marriage,

 and no children,

yet knowing in my heart that the most important work 

I'll ever do in my life will be as a mother. 

I dedicate it to ALL who are Mother's in their hearts. 

To the mother's who have loved me so unconditionally 

throughout my life...

Grandma Petesi, Sesikuana Tafuna, all my aunties that raised me...

Thank you is not sufficient.

To know that you CHOSE to love and have me as part of your family 

is a miracle I realize every time I am with you and I can feel in my soul 

that THIS family is where I belong.

To my sisters, Olotomu, Penina, Lisia, Lata and Kanga,

you're ability to love and teach your children astounds me.

Thank you for being such amazing examples...

To the sweetest mother in law on the planet...

Elisa Fai'ana Faeamani

Malo ho si'i 'ofa 'ia au mo 'eku ki'i famili...

To every wonderful women in my life near and far...

I have learned motherhood from you.

Whether you have a child of your own or not.

You are simply the best.

Happy Mother's Day!

Loved this...she ROCKS!

My joy...

My hubby tells the story best.
He does it with a sweetness and love in his eyes 

that only our son can bring out in him.
It's no secret Famani si'i has been the joy of our lives

since the moment we knew he was coming.

Yesterday was no exception.

After having a particularly difficult day at work, we ran some errands and came home.
Usually my haven, this day only carried with it unnecessary drama.
In need of a nap, I made a b-line for the bed.  
Couldn't be bothered to pull up the covers, just needed to escape to dreamland.
So I did.

When I woke up, two blankets belonging to my son were on me.
One covering the lower half of my body and one pulled up

around my shoulders and tucked under my back.

I'm confused, Hubby explains;
Our son was watching his Yo Gabba Gabba show.  
Saw me sleeping with no covers.
He knew it was cold, so without being told 

went to his bed, grabbed his blankets and put them on me.
Then he climbed up on my bed, pulled one blanket over my shoulders 

and tucked it behind my back...and gave me kiss.  
He looked at me, said I love you Mom, and gave me another kiss...

and went back to his show.

Can I just say that I love him?
If that isn't joy, then I don't know what is.  

Family...

Last weekend our family got together to celebrate my nephew turning one.

Mafile'o Finau Tafuna Jr. is special for so many reasons.

He's named after my Dad.

He's the son of our one and only brother.

He's just the most adorable little boy ever.

His birthday party was AWESOME.

His Mom's side came from out of state,

and our family and friends came from near and far.

We celebrated, we smiled, we cried and we had a blast!

Kanga chose a Willy Wonka theme...

so we went Candy Crazy.

I had so much fun making decorations

and was surprised to discover a new talent.

Everything was colorful and FUN!

The kids all got the red carpet treatment.

The parents enjoyed themselves too.

There were a couple of things that made this day extra special for me.

Seeing my brother and his wife 

so full of joy and pride for their beautiful son. 

And seeing my parents truly enjoy themselves at their grandchild's birthday.

They weren't stressed out...

they didn't have to worry about anything...

they just got to sit back and celebrate.

There were so many times I turned to find them just soaking in the moment...

And I will never forget the smile on their faces.

We love you Baby Mafile'o!

You are an absolute joy to our family.

Uplifted...

Can I just say that General Conference is one of my favorite times of the year.  It has become like a Holiday in our family, but this one we celebrate twice a year.  How awesome is that!  I can't even put into words how much I enjoyed this past weekend.  Listening and learning from men and women who speak with the Spirit of God is truly a remarkable blessing.  I feel so invigorated and ready to take on the world.  Our family has been uplifted in so many ways.  Our love for each other has grown in the past two days.  Our appreciation of one another and the roles we have in our family have been more defined and we've made a commitment to support each other in becoming the person our Father in Heaven wants us to be.  

I've always enjoyed listening to the leaders words, but this time around was different for me.  I don't know what it was.  It felt more like Heavenly Father really wanted me to know that he loves me...just as I am, imperfections and shortcomings and bad days and especially in the moments I forget Him.  He's is absolutely aware of me and my truest desires; our little family and the goals we talk about and the hopes for each other that we don't discuss, but plan and pray for in our hearts. I also feel for the first time in a long time like He is proud of me.  Not because I'm exactly who He's intended me to be, but I'm trying to stay on the right path.  I'm working towards it and I know one million percent that He and my Savior are behind me...I hope everyone felt that way.  

I'm seriously giddy, this must be what it feels like to be delighted in the Gospel.  And I am so ready to conquer anything, starting with myself and my little family.  

This year just keeps getting more and more amazing!

A reason for all things...

10 years ago in March, I miscarried.  My child's due date was going to be August 7, 2001...no matter how hard I try, I revisit this experience each year.  Like the anniversary of a death in the family.  I know wonderful people who've given birth to a child that is stillborn or lose a child and I think, my pain is nothing compared to theirs.  I can't even fathom the heartbreak of having a child and then losing them.  It's a different kind of heartache, but it is pain nonetheless.  Many people may not agree and think how can I even compare the two, but for me, this miscarriage was the loss of an "actual" child.  It was our family's first pregnancy.  My hubby was ecstatic.  I felt like I hit a milestone of being and becoming a woman and could not wait to be a mother.  We talked about hearing footsteps around the house that weren't ours and noises and laughter that can only be made and filled in a home by a child.  We spent nights planning and dreaming of the kind of future we wanted to give our child and the changes to our every day life.  And then it was gone.  

Last night I found this journal entry...I'm sharing it only in parts...so it may not make sense, but I still feel compelled to share it...

I can't get the stupid bathroom floor out of my head, covered in red...the pain in my body that felt like someone had cut me in half with a knife at the waist and was twisting and pulling at my insides...the most excruciating pain I've ever felt in my entire life; emotionally and physically...looking at what would have been our child if I had been able to accomplish what as a woman I should be able to do.  My body has betrayed me...I loathe myself and I'm sure when Siona finds out, he will too...I can rinse away the blood, but not the memory and self disgust...I need to escape...There's gotta be a reason this has happened to us.  Please...let there be a reason.

Since this entry, I've had Famani si'i and another miscarriage April of last year. Granted the one in April I was only a couple wks along didn't know I was pregnant until I went to the hospital for the cramping and excessive blood loss, but as I said there's still pain.  I'm waiting for the aching to eventually disappear when I revisit these experiences in my head.  Every now and again as I go about my day, I can't help but think I could be walking around with three kids instead of one...

And then I catch myself...
 
I have ONE.  I lost two, but I have one.  One special, beautiful, healthy child of God is in our family and home and he is OURS.  This doesn't make me more blessed or more fortunate than others who are STILL struggling to have a child of their own, but it is a blessing.  The feeling I have at the end of it all is gratitude, plentiful and overflowing.  And this is the lesson I've learned.  Be grateful for all that you have received; the good, the bad and ugly.  It may be less than others have, and in some cases it's more.  But it's yours... extended by a most loving Heavenly Father to you for a reason.  The gift is there if you choose to see it...and I promise, as you endure it, your cup will run over.