My ugly truth...

So, I'm challenging myself to be more open with everything.
Mostly for my sanity and for help in getting to the bottom of my whole "weight" issue.
I am a introvert personality.
I don't concern myself with other people's lives.
I like to mind my own business and take care of my own little family.
You won't really find me doing what everyone else is doing.
I stay with what makes me feel comfortable.
Most of the time, this is a good thing.
I fly under the radar, I don't rock any boats.
I just do me.
The problem with being this way is this.
At times when I most likely should be seeking help,
or at the very least a friend to talk to, I keep it inside.
I write it down in my journal and I try to solve the problem on my own.
Can you see where this could run me into a wall?
Trouble is, the only opinion I'm getting is my own.
Helps me look at things from all kinds of angles, which is good for problem solving,
but still...it's just me.
And let's face it, I'm not the smartest apple in the tree.
I'm smart, but there are people that are smarter than me.
People who've been in my shoes and know what definitely does not work and options for what may work as well as what has worked for them.
Not saying it'll work for me, but still, a different point of view.
Can't really get that if I'm not sharing.
With absolutely no one. 
Sometimes it's so bad my own hubby has no idea.
I pray about a lot of things.
Mostly it's, "please Lord, help me know what to do."
On the real, a majority of the time my answer is seek so and so for help.
My reply is, "no thanks, I got it."
Then I wonder why I'm seeking solace in a pint of ice cream.
Story of my life. :/

Fat girl update...

Update for week one and week two.


Weight loss: So far I've lost 5.5 pounds!


What did I change: Not a huge amount, except I've gone from not working out at all to a workout four of the last ten days and the only thing I've really changed in my eating habits is I eat much less then I used to.  They're small steps, but I haven't worn myself out and thrown in the towel in so that is definitely a good sign.  


What change will I add to next week: Now that things at work are back to normal, I can settle in on a schedule to workout after work and on Saturdays.  Sunday will be my rest day from everything.  Also incorporating healthier foods into my diet.  I'm really excited about the progress.


What did I learn?  I really will not die if I don't have a ice cream cone every day.  10 days straight without it and I'm still breathing and the jeans are fitting a little more comfortably.  Also, a couple days ago I needed a major sweet fix and I had a cup of honey nut cheerios with skim milk.  I don't know if they'd be considered a "healthy" alternative, but definitely better than a brownie and some vanilla ice cream.  :)

Just do it...

I wanted to go walking today, instead I'm blogging.

My hubby has banned me from walking at night.

He says it's not safe.

My response, "for whom?"

"Me, or the idiot who's going to attack me?"  

I get he's being his over protective self, but HELLO...

totally killing my weight loss strategy.

I refuse to pay for a gym membership anymore.

I did for almost a year without using it.

So until I learn to walk outside where it's free and love it,

I'm not paying a single dime monthly to do it indoors where other people have to see me.

I prefer to walk at night.

Alone, listening to my music.

Where no one can make out that it's me.

Or the shape of my body.

Or my face as it turns beet red from exhaustion.

I don't do well in crowds of people exercising.

I'm too self conscious and I really hate that about myself.

Because no one cares that I'm there.

No one cares that I look hella butt ugly when I run on the treadmill for two minutes and then start huffin' and puffin' like I just ran the 20 meter dash.

But I swear they do.

And this mental block in my head that does that has got to go.

I bought the Jillian Michael's 30 Day Shred,

Thinking 20 minutes a day...piece of cake.

The dang warm ups had my muscles cramping,

3 minutes in, I was breathing so hard my son yelled at me to sit down and rest.

What the hell?

I'm only in my early 30's.

The number says I'm not old.  

But I feel ancient.

It's not a joke anymore.

If I don't make a change,

then I'm choosing the opposite of life.

Something I would never consciously do.

If someone gave me the option to shoot myself or run a mile,

I'd run the dang mile in whatever time they ask of me.

Because shooting myself is NOT an option.

So then I need to get out of my own way.

Sometimes my head says, you're being so dramatic.

And I probably am.

If anyone can be accused of over thinking things way too much...

It's me, guilty.

But still, what if I'm not overreacting.

There are certain things that will happen whether I'm healthy or not.

But some things I still have a say in the way the outcome will be.

So...it's time I have my say.

It's time to stop talking about it, and BE about it.

And the 30 Day Shred is going in now...

Peace peeps.

The dreaded before's...

Although I know these are an absolute necessity when taking on a self imposed challenge such as mine,

but seriously...

these are ugly.

  (the T-shirt was not on purpose, I apologize to all U fans...LOL)

THAT        IS        NOT       ME!

I'm lightweight having a nervous breakdown in my head right now looking at these.

If I could step outside my body and give myself a verbal and perhaps physical lashing, I would.

Maybe twice.

How did I let myself get

this

far

gone?

Never considered myself FAT.  

Always saw the woman slightly heavier than me and thought...

"At least I'm not that bad."

Um...microphone check...one, two, one to the two...

"You ARE the slightly (if slightly means extremely) heavier lady and it is that bad." 

And I had the nerve to want to change my primary care physician,

 because at my last appointment she  labeled me as "obese".

She was even shocked I didn't have high blood pressure,

and that my glucose levels were normal.

And what the heck am I waiting for?

For high blood pressure and diabetes to come knocking?

(I want to slap myself right now)

The truth does hurt.

Always.

Especially when you're in a little place called denial.

So 2011, it's official.

Starting weight (I cringe as I type this): 275 lbs.

Goal weight: 175 lbs

Goal date:  To infinity and beyond (quite possibly may take that long)...

but no...1 year to lose and a lifetime to keep it off. 

No crash diets or surgery or pills.

Just good old fashioned eating right and exercising.

2 lbs a week seems manageable.  

This ought to be interesting seeing as I haven't done this in my entire life.

At least not consciously.

And maybe that's the key to driving this change...

A conscious effort.

Awareness of my worth...

Value in my life and in the people who've chosen to be in it.

They deserve a say...

And with them, I echo,

Change is good.

Bring it on!

It's seriously about dang time...

Now I have gone and done it.

"It" has finally happened…

There is no longer a separation between my chin and neck.

They have become one entity.

(this isn't my chineck (chin&neck)...it's far better than mine)   

How the heck did I get here?

I was literally shaking as I got on the scale…

WHAT THE…?!?!

That…Cannot. Be. Right.

But it is…and I’m a little bit angry,

Entirely at myself, because really…no one did this but me.

Mostly though I’m just sad...
Sad, sad, sad.

I never thought I’d get here,

Never ever never.

But I guess you should never say never…

Unless you’re actively doing something to prevent the “never” from happening.

12 years ago, my scale read 100 lbs less,

I was a size 12 comfortably and could squeeze into 10 if required.

Was always a “big” girl.

Big bones, big hair, and a big ole’ booty.

Have never dressed my size.

Shirts were always too many sizes too big…

(case and point, I can fit a shirt I bought 11 yrs ago snuggly…like a second skin snuggly today)

And pants…well…pants were a challenge.

 My hips were wide, my thighs were those of a rugby player…

And my waste belonged on a size 8 frame.

Of course today all those numbers have doubled and in some cases tripled.

I told you…

SAD, SAD, SAD.

So in staying true to the old New Year’s resolution cliché…

I’ve resolved to lose weight…

Yeah…Right.

How many times have I made this commitment before?

The only difference this time is…

I’m blogging about it.

Not just saying it to myself in my head but making it public.

Holding myself accountable to people who probably could care less,

But nevertheless…

ACCOUNTABLE.

Because my son should have a mother who can run with him at the park,

Without almost going into cardiac arrest.

I want to feel like a teenager again when I put on a pair of jeans...

Love, like a smile should come from the inside out…

My hubby deserves the hot kumala (sweet potato) he married 11 years ago…

Where is that girl?

She’s in here somewhere underneath these layers of…

Ahem…muscle…

cottage cheese bags...

er…winter padding...

Fine…

FAT. 

Call it what it is.

Send me good vibes…

Cheer me on quietly…

Wish me luck…

Pray for me.

HERE GOES NOTHIN’!