The Wise man and the Foolish man...

Anyone who's been in Primary knows the song.  

The wise man built his house upon the rock, the foolish man built his house upon the sand.  The floods came and washed the house on the sand away, the house on the rock stood still.  

What I didn't get as a kid that I am finally understanding now is that the wise man wasn't called wise because he knew more than the foolish man...they both were given the same information about the rains coming and still one of them chose to build his house on the sand, in turn being called the foolish man.  

The phrase that stuck with me about the parable of the wise and foolish man as I was reading in Matthew was this "and great shall be the fall of his house."  It didn't say just the foolish man would fall... it says his entire house...including people that had no say in the decision that was made which makes the fall "great".  When I think of "a house" having a great fall, I see a mental picture of a family tree and just generations being wiped out by a single decision.  Choices made on a whim with no real thought as to the consequences they will have for people who are in our lives or have not yet come to this earth.  

How many times have I done that?  Too many to count.  

It made me think of loved ones where I've literally seen this happen.  

And It makes me sad for a second thinking of the eternal repercussions a mistake could have but then I remember Jesus Christ's Atonement and I think, how wonderful and awesome is our Heavenly Father to love us this much.  And how utterly selfless was Jesus to offer his life so that we  may all have a second chance.

Here's to a second chance at getting it right.  2011 is going to be awesome!

The dreaded before's...

Although I know these are an absolute necessity when taking on a self imposed challenge such as mine,

but seriously...

these are ugly.

  (the T-shirt was not on purpose, I apologize to all U fans...LOL)

THAT        IS        NOT       ME!

I'm lightweight having a nervous breakdown in my head right now looking at these.

If I could step outside my body and give myself a verbal and perhaps physical lashing, I would.

Maybe twice.

How did I let myself get

this

far

gone?

Never considered myself FAT.  

Always saw the woman slightly heavier than me and thought...

"At least I'm not that bad."

Um...microphone check...one, two, one to the two...

"You ARE the slightly (if slightly means extremely) heavier lady and it is that bad." 

And I had the nerve to want to change my primary care physician,

 because at my last appointment she  labeled me as "obese".

She was even shocked I didn't have high blood pressure,

and that my glucose levels were normal.

And what the heck am I waiting for?

For high blood pressure and diabetes to come knocking?

(I want to slap myself right now)

The truth does hurt.

Always.

Especially when you're in a little place called denial.

So 2011, it's official.

Starting weight (I cringe as I type this): 275 lbs.

Goal weight: 175 lbs

Goal date:  To infinity and beyond (quite possibly may take that long)...

but no...1 year to lose and a lifetime to keep it off. 

No crash diets or surgery or pills.

Just good old fashioned eating right and exercising.

2 lbs a week seems manageable.  

This ought to be interesting seeing as I haven't done this in my entire life.

At least not consciously.

And maybe that's the key to driving this change...

A conscious effort.

Awareness of my worth...

Value in my life and in the people who've chosen to be in it.

They deserve a say...

And with them, I echo,

Change is good.

Bring it on!

It's seriously about dang time...

Now I have gone and done it.

"It" has finally happened…

There is no longer a separation between my chin and neck.

They have become one entity.

(this isn't my chineck (chin&neck)...it's far better than mine)   

How the heck did I get here?

I was literally shaking as I got on the scale…

WHAT THE…?!?!

That…Cannot. Be. Right.

But it is…and I’m a little bit angry,

Entirely at myself, because really…no one did this but me.

Mostly though I’m just sad...
Sad, sad, sad.

I never thought I’d get here,

Never ever never.

But I guess you should never say never…

Unless you’re actively doing something to prevent the “never” from happening.

12 years ago, my scale read 100 lbs less,

I was a size 12 comfortably and could squeeze into 10 if required.

Was always a “big” girl.

Big bones, big hair, and a big ole’ booty.

Have never dressed my size.

Shirts were always too many sizes too big…

(case and point, I can fit a shirt I bought 11 yrs ago snuggly…like a second skin snuggly today)

And pants…well…pants were a challenge.

 My hips were wide, my thighs were those of a rugby player…

And my waste belonged on a size 8 frame.

Of course today all those numbers have doubled and in some cases tripled.

I told you…

SAD, SAD, SAD.

So in staying true to the old New Year’s resolution cliché…

I’ve resolved to lose weight…

Yeah…Right.

How many times have I made this commitment before?

The only difference this time is…

I’m blogging about it.

Not just saying it to myself in my head but making it public.

Holding myself accountable to people who probably could care less,

But nevertheless…

ACCOUNTABLE.

Because my son should have a mother who can run with him at the park,

Without almost going into cardiac arrest.

I want to feel like a teenager again when I put on a pair of jeans...

Love, like a smile should come from the inside out…

My hubby deserves the hot kumala (sweet potato) he married 11 years ago…

Where is that girl?

She’s in here somewhere underneath these layers of…

Ahem…muscle…

cottage cheese bags...

er…winter padding...

Fine…

FAT. 

Call it what it is.

Send me good vibes…

Cheer me on quietly…

Wish me luck…

Pray for me.

HERE GOES NOTHIN’!

Judge not, lest thou be judged...

I had the most vivid dream of my sister Tomu.  We were lying in bed and she was maybe 9 or 10 years old.  (If your my friend on facebook, there is a picture of my sisters and I when we were younger and Tomu was that age in my dream.)  Anyhow...I was my age now of 21 + years and she asked me this question; "How do you know when people are judging you and when they're not?"  I thought about it for a moment and replied, "Well when someone makes a comment or has an opinion about the way you live your life, in a way they are judging.  You have to look more at the person than what's being said.  If it's someone being judgmental, even if what they say is not true, they'll wait, and wait and wait until something bad happens and say, Ha!  I told you so."  If it's someone that loves you, when something bad occurs, they say, "I'm sorry this happened, what can I do to help?"  And then I woke up.  

Such a strange dream...and it got me to thinkin'...who likes to be judged?  I certainly don't.  

Even when we KNOW we've done something wrong and we give ourselves worse punishment than anyone else could possibly ever inflict, it still stings when someone says it out loud.  I am absolutely guilty of judging others without merit.  

So where do we draw the line?  In some sense when any of us first meet someone, we have to make a quick judge of character before we know if we want to continue a conversation with a complete stranger or begin dating someone or create a friendship.  Unless it's our family or friends, we don't know who we're letting into our lives.  And I don't know about anyone else but for me, having a child just makes me that much more cautious.  I don't think it's a bad thing to be cautious, but I do think there's a certain point where being selective and being judgmental tread a very thin blurry line.  

As I'm typing this a very wise question comes to mind..."what would Jesus do?"  I can just hear my Primary kids saying that to me.  LOL.  And I can give you the answer without blinking..."love the sinner not the sin."  

But am I living this way..........yeah......don't really have a response on that one yet ...(crickets chirping)...

The most true to myself answer is, sometimes...sure with the people I love, family and friends, it's absolutely possible to do this...love them despite whatever mistakes they make...why?  Because they do the same for me and because I know them in a different way...beyond their actions....their heart.  

Can I apply this to a stranger?  I hope so.  But the truth is...I just don't know.

This post is so random, but oh well at least it's got the wheels in my head a churnin'...always grateful for any kind of activity in the old noggin'.

Christmas in June...

I'm grateful that having a simple conversation with someone can give me clarity on something that I've shoved into the back of my mind, because I don't want to confront it.  My hubby asked me this past week where I would want to be buried if I died.  I told him, in Salt Lake City at the same cemetary my Grandma's buried at.  So then he said to me, "why are we wasting our time trying to make a life in a place you don't even want to be buried in when you're dead?"  (light bulb goes off and smack myself on the forehead moment)...I've always known my husband was smarter than he let's on...and he posed an excellent question.  

Soooo...we're Salt Lake City bound in 2011!!  That is our plan, by summer we hope to be there permanently.  We know we'll have to start again and hubby will have to look for work, but we feel like it's the right place for us and where we NEED to be.  I won't lie, it's a little scary,  we're doing pretty well here job wise and in this economy, it's not exactly pick and choose, you kind of have to go where the work is...but we have faith that the Lord will take care of us as we do what's best for our family eternally and not just financially.  We are certainly not alone, we have our families to help us out as we get situated which I am so grateful for and the rest will take care of itself.    WE ARE SO EXCITED!  I feel like I'm going to burst out of my skin.  It's going to be great to be near loved ones again.  I can't wait to for my son to grow up with his cousins and be able to have dinner with my sisters and their families and be near my parents and learn from them while they are still here and giggle with my nieces and nephews and hang out with our dear friends as a couple again and spend time with my Grandpa.  I am counting down the days for sure....it'll be Christmas in June. 

The Christmas season...

I love Christmas, to me it is truly "the most wonderful time of the year."  Personally, I become more forgiving, more tolerant, my family becomes the focal point of my life and I remember that a Savior came into this world the same way we all did and dedicated his life to doing the will of his Father in Heaven.  Because he was successful in this we celebrate his birth every year and we try to emulate his life during this season.  We remember others more than we remember ourselves.  We offer gifts and goodwill and in a lot of cases what little we have so that others might have joy.  Each year around this time, it's like magic.  You see hearts changing, people pondering on the true meaning of life, love permeates and once again the miracle of the birth of a child known to the world as Jesus Christ is realized, regardless of our personal beliefs.  It amazes me still.  


I hope that every person enjoys the spirit of the Christmas season.  Merry Christmas!

To work or not to work, that is the question...

I've been mulling this over in my head for the last 4 years.  Since before I was even married, I always knew that I would NOT be a working mother.  I always said I would stay home and raise my children so that someone else would not have to raise them for me.  Well my son is almost 3 and a half years old and before I know it he'll be in kindergarten and I won't be able to spend this kind of time with him again until he's graduated from high school.  And by then he'll be too cool for his old nagging Mom.  He won't want to be around me constantly like he does now.  I'll never get this time back...and if I was doing something I absolutely loved, then I'd work it into my life, but I don't love what I do, I like it, it pays the bills...but it's becoming quite evident that it's not worth the time I spend away from my son.  So I am hoping within the next three to six months, I've prepared our family enough to move from two incomes to one.  I know some people will think I'm crazy, especially during a time when employment is so difficult to come by...but my son means more to me than money, and every day I've walked out the door to go work I've been saying the exact opposite.  I wish that I could have it all, some women are cut out for it and to each his own, but me...I'm a mother...it's all I've ever wanted to be.  I know one day I'm going to blog about the stresses of being a stay at home Mom, but I'm going to love and enjoy every second of it.  When your doing something you love, it isn't work...I can't wait!