A reason for all things...

10 years ago in March, I miscarried.  My child's due date was going to be August 7, 2001...no matter how hard I try, I revisit this experience each year.  Like the anniversary of a death in the family.  I know wonderful people who've given birth to a child that is stillborn or lose a child and I think, my pain is nothing compared to theirs.  I can't even fathom the heartbreak of having a child and then losing them.  It's a different kind of heartache, but it is pain nonetheless.  Many people may not agree and think how can I even compare the two, but for me, this miscarriage was the loss of an "actual" child.  It was our family's first pregnancy.  My hubby was ecstatic.  I felt like I hit a milestone of being and becoming a woman and could not wait to be a mother.  We talked about hearing footsteps around the house that weren't ours and noises and laughter that can only be made and filled in a home by a child.  We spent nights planning and dreaming of the kind of future we wanted to give our child and the changes to our every day life.  And then it was gone.  

Last night I found this journal entry...I'm sharing it only in parts...so it may not make sense, but I still feel compelled to share it...

I can't get the stupid bathroom floor out of my head, covered in red...the pain in my body that felt like someone had cut me in half with a knife at the waist and was twisting and pulling at my insides...the most excruciating pain I've ever felt in my entire life; emotionally and physically...looking at what would have been our child if I had been able to accomplish what as a woman I should be able to do.  My body has betrayed me...I loathe myself and I'm sure when Siona finds out, he will too...I can rinse away the blood, but not the memory and self disgust...I need to escape...There's gotta be a reason this has happened to us.  Please...let there be a reason.

Since this entry, I've had Famani si'i and another miscarriage April of last year. Granted the one in April I was only a couple wks along didn't know I was pregnant until I went to the hospital for the cramping and excessive blood loss, but as I said there's still pain.  I'm waiting for the aching to eventually disappear when I revisit these experiences in my head.  Every now and again as I go about my day, I can't help but think I could be walking around with three kids instead of one...

And then I catch myself...
 
I have ONE.  I lost two, but I have one.  One special, beautiful, healthy child of God is in our family and home and he is OURS.  This doesn't make me more blessed or more fortunate than others who are STILL struggling to have a child of their own, but it is a blessing.  The feeling I have at the end of it all is gratitude, plentiful and overflowing.  And this is the lesson I've learned.  Be grateful for all that you have received; the good, the bad and ugly.  It may be less than others have, and in some cases it's more.  But it's yours... extended by a most loving Heavenly Father to you for a reason.  The gift is there if you choose to see it...and I promise, as you endure it, your cup will run over.           

Thank you for reminding me...

I watched as she smashed each of the framed certificates given to her by the most important people in her life. 

There was the one from her best friend thanking her for being a great listener and helping her through a particularly difficult
time.  It was then that they both knew they'd be friends for life. 

Crash, went the ones from her students awarding her for excellence in teaching.  
They said she had a way of making even the most mundane of topics fascinating. 

There were some that when they slammed to the ground were accompanied by wails of torment. 

Her husband applauded her for her efforts as a wife and mother and her dedication to making their house a home. 

The ones from her children simply stated they could not be the people they were today without her.  

Crack,  went the frame from her siblings that said they couldn't have asked for a better sister. 

It was in these moments...I had to turn away. 

As the room stood littered in debris of glass and torn paper,  her attention shifted to the other wall.

It was covered ceiling to floor in all of her failures.  
Each in seemingly unbreakable steel frames.  
A reminder of all the things she couldn't complete.  
All the unfinished goals recorded in meticulous penmanship.  
Some of which she couldn't even recall making, but nevertheless, 
undone and unaccomplished.

What happened next can only be described as God's grace. 

As she stood mesmerized by her failures a line began to form at the door.   
It wrapped around the hall and down the stairs
and stretched out her front door.  
Leading the way were her husband and children, parents and siblings.  
One by one carrying a new certificate in odd sizes and various colored frames.  
Quietly they nailed each certificate to the wall
stating the original reason it was presented to her and made their way out. 

Her husband stood watch, exchanging hugs and thank you's with those who came. 

Her Father was the last to go.  
He ran his fingers along her wall of accomplishments with tears in His eyes. 

He paused for a moment at the frame He had put up and sighed. 

Before exiting the doors, He suddenly turned and made eye contact with me.  
I felt embarrassed that He had seen me.  
But His reaction was not one of anger.  
He merely nodded in recognition and gave me a smile that ensured me
everything would be okay.  
And I knew that she would be fine. 

My heart felt light again.  
I wanted to witness as she saw the miracle of what her loved ones had done for her, but I knew there was no need.  


As I turned to walk away, I came face to face with her wall of failures.  
Failed to finish school, failed to lose twenty pounds, failed twice to complete a pregnancy, failed to go to church today, failed to say family prayer, failed to save money this paycheck, failed as a parent, failed as a wife.  
I was overwhelmed. 

No wonder she couldn't peel her eyes away from this wall.  
I looked around for her with a sudden urgency to pull her away from all the grief and failure.  
But she was no where to be found.  

I turned to the other wall.  
Her wall of accomplishments.  
It was filled only a fraction of the way in comparison to the other side.  

I drew closer, compelled to know her name.  
I would seek her out and tell her what I saw... 
remind her of the goodness and love she had so abundantly in her life. 

 I was surprised to find that each certificate except for one, was presented to a title rather than a name.  
I searched endlessly until my eyes rested on the one that had it. 
The title on this one is what was listed on all the others as the person the certificate was presented to.   
I began to read it anxious to know her name. 

I realized as I read, that this was the frame her Father attached. 

It stated...

"This genuine certificate declares that YOU are A Child of God."  
"May it help you to always remember who you are. "

Presented to_____? 

The name was mine. 

Distracted...

Oh bloggity blog world...

I'd like to say that I've been so busy enjoying and living my life that I've had absolutely no time to write/type on here, but it's not true...

I've been avoiding you, on purpose...

I love blogging...er rather I love READING other people's blogs.  

I think I spend more time reading people's blogs more than anything.  

I'm one of those people that has to start from the very beginning, just like a book or a movie.  

I hate coming in halfway through it and then missing the inside jokes/comments that refer to the beginning...it's one of my many quirks.  

Anyhoot...I am LOVING the food and craft blogs.  

I could never actually start one of my own...but I am a great at following directions.

  And it still amazes me when a recipe/craft turns out exactly as it should by following simple directions...and I mean I follow them to a T.  

This whole cook for 16-19 minutes thing doesn't work for...I cook for 16 mins if it isn't cooked, I check again at minute 19.  

I have issues, I know.  

In reading all these blogs, I can tell they are created from people who really LOVE what they are doing and I am soooo LOVING that fact and enjoy reading ALL of them.  

I'm now wondering if there is a limit to the amount of blogs you can follow?  Hmmmm?  

Don't get me wrong, I've come across some blogs that are TMI if you ask me...

and some that are just...well...you wanna stand up and applaud because they've stopped writing...LOL...just being honest folks.  

Check out the blogs I follow and see for yourself.  

If you know of any good blogs to read, let me know.  

On another note...

I am thinking of renaming my blog...but don't know what yet...

as much as I love my Faeamani3, this blog has been more of me than the 3 of us.  

Let's face it, my hubby will probably never post on here and my 3 year old...well...he may just be better at this than me at age 5...ya never can tell with children these days, they are too smart for their own good sometimes.  :)  

Ah well...never mind that now...

I'm off to find another blog to follow

And read about their story from the very beginning

(this is how I'm sticking it to the man who doesn't allow books at our desk because he doesn't "pay us to read," he says...yeah you do pal...yeah you do : P )  

Have a great day friends.

Hello?

Is it me you're looking for?

I love how the words to the song are along the bottom...

Good times.  :)

My lil man...

Famani si'i is definitely an interesting little boy.  I don't know another child so willing and comfortable to sit down with a complete stranger and chat it up like they are old friends.  Since the day he was born he was this way.  Never fussy about who picked him up.  When we travel it drove me crazy that he'd walk up to a complete stranger and take a bite of their food  or  bring back their coffee mug.  Or just sit down with some random kid watching his DVD player and enjoy the show.  Seriously, who does that?  Oh, but how I love my sweet little boy.  I never thought I'd get the hang of raising a boy.  I've been surrounded by mostly women all my life.  Although raising ANY child is NEVER easy, he sure does keep it entertaining.  Here's some of his latest and greatest.

- He's very interested in the concept of school.  I think it's because one of the boys we live with goes to school and he has such a grown up fascination with it.  Just wants to write on paper with a pen, carry a backpack, get dropped off at school.  This makes me happy.  Very, very, happy.  Let's hope he stays this way when he's actually IN school.

- He loves Swordplay on the Wii games.  He thinks he is so COOL when he wins.  I know he has a definite competitive streak in him.  He gets this from his father because I am not one to compete with others obsessively.  Oh, but this kid does.  And if he's losing, he gives up.  I have to figure out a way to break that ugly cycle quick.  I always just say, it's okay, try again.  But he gets seriously frustrated when things don't go his way.  If only this kid knew...welcome to what we grown-ups call LIFE.  

- He is a total ladies man.  There's a little girl at church he's got his eye on.  As soon as he sees her he sits down next to her and grabs her hand.  She pulls it away and he just grabs it again and holds it on her lap, totally against her will.  He also likes to give her hugs and ask her what's wrongs.  The poor child really does NOT enjoy the attention at all.  And I have to tell my son to leave her alone, several times during Primary.  I don't know how I feel about this.  I hope it's just a PHASE as everyone says and that it doesn't carry into his teenage/adult years.

- In the numerous failed attempts to be potty trained, he has a really wierd tendency.  If we put underwear on him, he won't wet his pants, he won't poop in his underwear.  This is a good thing.  The problem is, he won't go on the toilet either.  He will hold it in until we put a diaper on him and then he'll go to town in the diaper.  What is up with that?  I don't know.  I think he's afraid to pee his pants because he'll get in trouble.  I feel bad and I don't want him to have bowel problems, so I'm hoping he'll snap out of this. :/

- He's a very healthy kid.  For this I'm SO grateful.  He eats A LOT, but he doesn't ever gain weight.  He's still so extremely active and I love that about him.  Because they are two tell  tale signs when he's actually, truly, SICK.  If he can't eat or he won't get up and run around and destroy our room, then I know something is up.  So far, his health has been great.  I'm so thankful for that.  

- He's a total word police.  By this I mean there are several words my son has learned that I can't stand him saying.  Words that on occasion when I or my hubby or some stranger says because we're angry we're allowed to say because we're adults.  You know, things like, stupid, shut up, what the heck, Freakin'.  Yeah...whenever he hears me say it, "Mom, don't say that word."  With his finger pointed like he's the parent.  Oh, it drives me nuts sometimes.  Especially when I'm really really pissed about something.  But never fails, as soon as I see it and I KNOW he means business, I crack up.  Practice what you preach and talk the talk, walk the walk.  That's what the kid is teaching me.  

- He loves to say I love you.  He says it to everyone.  Once, after checking our bags in at the airport and getting our tickets he said "thank you" to the ticket agent, she told him to have a great flight, he said, "okay, gotta go vakapuna now, I love you."  She just laughed with her co-worker how funny that he says I love you to strangers.  My hubby and I will have random conversations with him and with each other and out of no where, "I love you Mom" or "I love you Dad."  He has to say it at least a half a dozen times before we sleep.  Good night Mom, I love you and Good night Dad, I love you.  I love that he says, I love you.  I know he understands what it means.  He says it to everyone who makes him happy, he says it to people who are sad.  He says it to girls on the phone that he's talked to for all of 3 seconds...but I love that he does it, by himself, whenever he feels it.  All I see in him is love and so I hope that's what he brings to other people's lives always.  

It's such a joy to watch him grow, learn new things.  Say new things, do new things.  It makes us very aware of his surroundings and aware of our short comings as a parents.  There really is no better ride in life, than to watch your children grow and hope that they catch some of the teachings you throw in along the way.  

 

So...yeah,

I feel kind of like a 4 year old at pre-school on the first day, having made absolutely no friends and my favorite toy is being hogged by the class bully.  

Yeah, I miss my parents.

I don't know why.

I just do.

I can't explain it.

  I've been thinking about them a lot lately.

Feeling like I don't or won't have enough time with them? 

I don't even wanna go further into that thought, but the point is... 

I'm homesick.  Specifically for my Mom and Dad.  

I usually get homesick for my sisters, or my good friends.  

But this time and probably for the first time since I've been married, I honestly miss my parents.  

Oh, how I wish July would come sooner.  

I'm almost tempted to wrap it up and move with my son and let hubby stay back, but that would be a lose-lose situation.  

I just have to be patient.  

I don't know why I get myself like this.  

There are some things that once I set my mind to it, I don't care how much I plan and try to stick to the timeline.  

I always, ALWAYS jump the gun.  

In Tongan, we call it kai mu'a.  

Sort of like speaking before you think or leaping before you look.  

Yeah...I just do.  

It's because of my damn anxiety.  

If my sister Sia was here she'd slap me out of it.  

It's only a few more months.  

Then I can be close to home, close to my parents.  

There if they need me and near enough to drop in for no reason other than to see them and make sure they are okay.

Negative Nessie...

I'm feeling like a Negative Nessie today blog world.  Mostly because I still feel crappy despite the fact that I can breathe through my nose.  My body aches are finding their way back into my muscles and in the last 24 hours I've eaten two crackers because the thought of any food makes me want to vomit...and I'm at work.  It's probably that last one that really has me ticked.  LMBO...see I feel better all ready.